First let me start off by saying I have no news to report as of yet, but I am on pins and needles these last few weeks thinking I could get that long awaited call at any moment. I am hardly sleeping due to my excitement and it doesn’t help that I check my cell phone half a dozen times between midnight and six a.m. each night. (Not to mention the fact that it doesn’t leave my side for more than a moment all day long).

It dawned on me the other day that I better start taking a shower each morning and getting dressed in case I have to rush out of the house on a moments notice. (I am usually working in my jammies all day, so it’s a bit of an adjustment for me).

We are as ready as we can be. A few of my friends have come by to visit and teased that there is enough baby gear here for three babies, so I may have overdone it just a bit. The car seat is buckled in, our bags are packed and we are just brimming over with joy and anticipation, proudly awaiting the life that is about to begin.

I want to say thank you to all of you who commented on my last post. I was overwhelmed by the sentiments so many of you shared with me, and I feel so honored to have such support and encouragement in my life. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Well, about a month and a half ago, we got a phone call. It was a friend of mine who knew of a baby that was about to be placed for adoption. It was an unborn baby due in July, and his parents were actively looking into adoption. Yes, I did say, HIS parents… as the baby is a little boy.

We instantly got our hopes up, and prayed day and night that this connection would be the one. We contacted a lawyer, got some information of how “private” adoption works, and waited.

We were nervous to be hopeful, as we had actually received a few phone calls like this before, that never seemed to pan out, or somehow never made it past the initial call to get our hopes up… but this felt different.

About a week later the lawyers called us to let us know that the birth parents wanted to meet us. Again, we were overjoyed, and yet terrified to let ourselves feel how badly we wanted this. I paced the house, changed my clothes four dozen times, and made phone call after phone call to my mom and sisters to somehow set my mind ease before the meeting…

We met on a Thursday. I instantly liked them. Both birth mother, and birth father were obviously caring people who wanted to make the best decision they could for their child. They didn’t choose to give up a baby, they choose to pick out a family who could provide for their child the way they couldn’t. They met multiple couples, and read about several families, and selected one they thought best fit their child’s needs, as well as their own.

One agonizing week later, we got the call that they picked us. I cried instantly. I’m crying now just remembering the feeling I had when I got that call. We were (and still are) so undeniably happy, overjoyed, and terrified. I texted my parents, Josh’s parents, my sisters, and my close girlfriends one simple message: “They picked us!!!!”. And instantly my phone started ringing off the hook. One tearful call after another slowly marked the beginning of our dreams coming true. And we were thrilled.

I called my social worker to let her know about the private adoption so that we would be taken out of matching for the foster care journey we were already on…We signed papers with the lawyers and started the “official” process… and my uncontrollable urge to buy baby gear and clothes once again started spiraling out of control…

Birth mom is now in her 35th week, and we are “expecting” our baby boy in early July.

As with all adoptions there is some risk involved. Josh and I are choosing to remain positive and confident. I struggled a great deal about how soon I should tell the world, but as you can imagine, I can hardly contain my excitement. Ten years of waiting, and wishing, and hoping is a long time, and to be this close is nearly unbearable without being able to share the news.

I’ll keep you all posted as the upcoming events unfold.

Can you tell what’s on my mind….  I got my crib this week, and I am constantly peeking in the nursery just to sigh and smile…  I am so excited!!! I was able to purchase some vintage fabrics, and my in-laws are sewing me up my own custom crib bedding, so my excitement level is a bit over the top at the moment. I can’t wait to share pictures!

Thank you so much for all the suggestions on my last post. It’s funny how close some of you came to my own actual “vision”. Things are rolling right along. Josh and I got our application turned in, and we are working on the next steps in the coming weeks. (Physicals, Interviews, Home Study, CPR Classes, TB tests, and more)…

I am off to add my finds for the week to the Etsy shop, so I’ll pop back in next time I have an update! Enjoy the weekend!

The rain has passed for the day, but they say tomorrow’s storm is going to be worse, so hopefully my luck won’t change. Hannah, the kitties and I are prepared to run for the tub if we need to! :o)

In baby news; I want to thank all of you for your support, encouragement, and kind words both on my blog, and in the emails I received. I was overwhelmed with the outpouring of love you all showed us.

Josh and I took our first foster parent class last week, and learned a bit more about the process. It was a little intimidating since they really like to lower your expectations and give you some worse case scenario type stories. I know they do that so you don’t go into it with false expectations, but it is tough to listen to. Both Josh and I left with some second thoughts about choosing the path we are on, but we intend to stick with it, and see where it takes us. Unfortunately we have to miss a class this week, so we won’t learn any more until next Wednesday.

I do have a few more last ditch efforts I am working on, to get pregnant on my own as well, so maybe that will pay off… you never know. A friend of mine was told by her doctor to cut out preservatives in her diet and eat all natural foods… meats, fruits, and veggies. Supposedly it gets your body working the way it should (like a machine) and increases your chances of pregnancy. I’ve been struggling with the diet for a little over a week now, and I think it’s getting easier. (I have no will power when it comes to food, and I live for Dr. Pepper, so it’s been a challenge to say the least!)

Josh’s birthday was last week, and he is now 38. We celebrated with family on both Saturday and Sunday, so it made for a fun weekend. (No the donkey wasn’t part of it, although my husband would have LOVED that!).

Now that the holidays are over, estate sales are back in full swing, so I have been adding to the shop as often as I can. This last week, I sold almost everything I listed on the same day it was listed, so that was exciting!

This week (and next) I am focused on getting my books in order, and filling my taxes. This is the most I have ever procrastinated on that, so I am a bit stressed about making my January 31st deadline. And I have to deal with Jury duty next week, so that is never any fun!

Wish me luck!

2009 was great for me. I am thankful I was able to continue to work from home, grew closer to my husbands side of the family, welcomed a new nephew, and honed some of my photography skills. I love my family, my sisters are still my best friends, and I continue to love what I am doing.

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This brings me to my “excuse” for being absent lately. My mind is elsewhere… I don’t feel like my whole heart has been into any of the normally fulfilling hobbies I have of late. I feel distant. I feel distracted. I feel sad.

The holidays always get me a little down when it comes to the family I hope to someday have. It seems like everyone is announcing a new arrival, celebrating a pregnancy, or planning a family of their own. Of course it never helps that every television show has a new pregnancy to dangle at us before the season break. Babies are every where this time of year! Of course I love being around them, but it is a painful reminder of what I still haven’t been able to achieve this year.

I’m now 33 and that feels very old. (Even though logically, I know it doesn’t sound all that old). Clocks are a ticking and time is flying by… Josh is going to be 38 in January and I can’t help but think about that “40″ year milestone that is rapidly approaching for the both of us. It feels like a deadline. (I know, I know… Charlie Chaplin had a baby in his seventies… but am I selfish if I don’t want to think about birthing a baby from my wrinkly old husband at that point? Besides I’ll be 65 when Josh is 70 and I’m pretty sure I’ll have even less of a chance conceiving then…lol.)

I hesitate to post this. To put my heart out on my sleeve and admit my vulnerabilities. I don’t want a pity party, or a pep talk, but I need to get this out. My heart is hurting.

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So, I am trying to be proactive about this. I’m tired of feeling sorry for myself, tired of having a mini funeral each month when my hopes are dashed by that monthly visitor that brings it’s bad news… I’m taking a new route, and clearing a new path.

Staring in January, Josh and I will be attending class to become foster parents. It isn’t a decision we came to lightly, and it’s not one I ever want to consider a “settled on” plan when telling my future son or daughter about how he or she came to live with us. It feels good. It feels right. At least for now it does.

I’m a bit scared about how challenging it may be, and I certainly don’t know how quickly any of this will happen for us, but I have to pray that it’s “the plan” God has for us.

I will be making it my goal in 2010 to let this plan unfold as it may. Whether that means a temporary child, a permanent one, a challenging one, or none at all.

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I promise to keep you all posted, when I can, about the process, and how it’s going. I’m sure it will be both wonderful and scary all at the same time. I’m counting on it. And so I leave you with a “hope-filled” collage of all the babies I was lucky enough to photograph this year!

Don’t get me wrong, my life is not perfect, and it certainly is far less glamorous then this blog (or a magazine photo) makes it appear to the naked eye. But I am happy. I love my home, I love that I get to work from home, and I love that I have been afforded the luxury of getting to try my hand at the numerous passions that have filled heart these last two years.

I love sharing my photography with all of you, but I am feeling like I need to get back to sharing more about me, my home, my life, and my story. I feel like this blog has gotten away from the theraputic tool I used to think of it as, and it has become a “brag book” of sorts… which I am feeling pretty bad about.

The truth is, I have been all over the place lately. My home is a mess, and I haven’t been spending money on myself like I used to (so that means no new “decor” to inspire new photos of my house). Josh has been traveling a bit again, so I have been alone and that means I work WAY longer hours than I should (which makes me crabby). And we are “trying” again (when he’s home), which is so emotionally taxing on me. I am taking this new “pregnancy protocol” that my doctor prescribed, which is easily 20 or more pills a day (and I am SO NOT a pill person!). I hesitate to even talk about it on the blog, because it gets those emotions flowing, but again, I need to get back to the therapy this blog (and you all) once provided to me, so I’m spilling my guts.

I do actually have some photos of my home to share today…. (it’s really just a couple close-up’s of the cute “nests” I saved for myself from the shop in my living room), but hey – it’s a start. I doctored up the photos to make them extra special and pretty for blog sharing. :)

I know what you’re thinking…. it’s a little early to be decorating for spring, but the Christmas decor comes down immediately after Christmas over here. (I’ve always been that way… learned it from my mother). Actually I started taking my decor down ON Christmas, while my guests were still here….he he he….Josh doesn’t get why I do it, but I LOVE the way it feels when the house looks clean and uncluttered after it all comes down.

Hopefully, you can get past the fact that I’ve shown you this set up of cloches and pedestals eight million times already with countless other props, and just appreciate it for what it is. I will make it my mission to find some inspiration, start talking again, and to do it more often than I have been! Cheers!

Just wanted to say thank you to all of you sweet souls who commented on our fertility issues. Josh and I are still hopeful and haven’t ruled out adoption. I honestly have tried not to even think about it this last year while the business has been growing. I hear that one of the best ways to get pregnant is to stop trying, so that is what my heart is shooting for at the moment! :)

Thank you again for your well wishes and prayers. They are much appreciated. Have a great weekend!

My mom was thirty then, the same age I am now. It’s strange to think about it that way. It’s hard to imagine your own mother at your current age. She was in such a different place in her life at age 30 then I am now. She had already gone through her own infertility issues, adopted my older sister, and gave birth to me (after doctors told her she would never have kids); she had even been through a divorce. While I feel maybe even more seasoned in life lessons than she was at my age, I can not fathom being a mother of two. But I certainly wish I knew how it felt.

Josh and I have been struggling with infertility for three and a half years now. It makes me cry to even type those words. It’s painful and draining to even talk about. We have had 1 fresh and 2 frozen IVF (in-vitro fertilization) cycles, and done one round of artificial insemination, spending $25,000 along the way. We had one miscarriage from the frozen transfer, and one miscarriage from a natural pregnancy (a fluke possibly?). It is the most challenging thing I have been through. I really feel terribly for any woman who struggles with infertility. I am going to end this topic by saying – I hope with all my heart that Josh and I get to experience parenthood someday soon. We still are trying naturally (hoping the fluke could happen again), and may someday look to adopt… say a prayer for us, won’t you?

(I’m not sure how that happened – this started out as a nostalgic entry about my mom and Easter and my childhood, and somehow ended up about my infertility? I think I better stop here and write again tomorrow when I feel less hormonal.)