I can’t believe how quickly this year has flown by! Doesn’t it always feel like the months after Christmas are a blur, you get through the holidays and finally look up, only to discover it’s March! This year wasn’t any different for me, and I can already tell 2010 will fly by in a heartbeat.
2009 was great for me. I am thankful I was able to continue to work from home, grew closer to my husbands side of the family, welcomed a new nephew, and honed some of my photography skills. I love my family, my sisters are still my best friends, and I continue to love what I am doing.
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This brings me to my “excuse” for being absent lately. My mind is elsewhere… I don’t feel like my whole heart has been into any of the normally fulfilling hobbies I have of late. I feel distant. I feel distracted. I feel sad.
The holidays always get me a little down when it comes to the family I hope to someday have. It seems like everyone is announcing a new arrival, celebrating a pregnancy, or planning a family of their own. Of course it never helps that every television show has a new pregnancy to dangle at us before the season break. Babies are every where this time of year! Of course I love being around them, but it is a painful reminder of what I still haven’t been able to achieve this year.
I’m now 33 and that feels very old. (Even though logically, I know it doesn’t sound old). Clocks are a ticking and time is flying by… Josh is going to be 38 in January and I can’t help but think about that “40″ year milestone that is rapidly approaching for the both of us. It feels like a deadline. (I know, I know… Charlie Chaplin had a baby in his seventies… but am I selfish if I don’t want to think about birthing a baby from my wrinkly old husband at that point? Besides I’ll be 65 when Josh is 70 and I’m pretty sure I’ll have even less of a chance conceiving then…lol.)
I hesitate to post this. To put my heart out on my sleeve and admit my vulnerabilities. I don’t want a pity party, or a pep talk, but I need to get this out. My heart is hurting.
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So, I am trying to be proactive about this. I’m tired of feeling sorry for myself, tired of having a mini funeral each month when my hopes are dashed by that monthly visitor that brings it’s bad news… I’m taking a new route, and clearing a new path.
Staring in January, Josh and I will be attending class to become foster parents. It isn’t a decision we came to lightly, and it’s not one I ever want to consider a “settled on” plan when telling my future son or daughter about how he or she came to live with us. It feels good. It feels right. At least for now it does.
I’m a bit scared about how challenging it may be, and I certainly don’t know how quickly any of this will happen for us, but I have to pray that it’s “the plan” God has for us.
I will be making it my goal in 2010 to let this plan unfold as it may. Whether that means a temporary child, a permanent one, a challenging one, or none at all.
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I promise to keep you all posted, when I can, about the process, and how it’s going. I’m sure it will be both wonderful and scary all at the same time. I’m counting on it. And so I leave you with a “hope-filled” collage of all the babies I was lucky enough to photograph this year!
by Sadie Olive
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